Starts and Stops

There are a lot of starts and stops in life.

Especially in writing.

I have not written anything in a very long time…not a chapter in a new book, not a poem, or even a journal entry.

I used to be a writer. That’s what I tell myself.

I’ve been contemplating how to get back into the “swing of things” so to speak.

I’ve been away from my social media for so long. I post and then I go into hiding - mostly because of urges to do a social media detox. However, social media cleanses also limit my exposure to new followers. Also, the longer you’re away from something…the harder it is to go back to.

I do not find it as easy to pick up a pen as it used to be.

I put away writing for almost two years to focus on my studies.

Now, at the culmination of all I worked hard for, I find myself struggling to regain the passion that I had for writing.

A lot of writing I do now has to be deliberate. It does not come as easily as it used to.

When I was younger, I felt that I was a sponge for emotions and feelings. I soaked it all in - the nature, the rain, the storms of life - and it made for great poetry. However, the waves of my life have settled and the water is a bit less choppy now. It’s been smooth sailing since then and therefore it’s been difficult to cultivate the same feel that inspired my previous work.

Also, I do feel like a fledging artist in a sense. I have a lot of friends and family who were waiting for me to publish new work and I always said, “It’s coming,” “It’s coming,” and it never came. Now, I wonder if I have followers or a fanbase anymore that is waiting. Is it even worth it anymore? Do artists have to commit to publishing new work to be successful? Or is it enough to just have tried? I feel like in our society, you have to constantly be doing something to be considered productive. It’s not enough to just be.

However, I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite social media pages, The Artidote, "Even if you feel like you have nothing to offer, you’re still allowed to be here. Your existence and value are not dependent on what you can do for other people.”

Even if I do end up being a one-hit wonder, a singer who never really did find her song, I still deserve to be here. I still deserve my writings, however once in a while they come. I still deserve to be proud of my art - even if others might want more.

I made something and it came from my heart, and although one day I may hang up the writer’s cloak for good, I'll still be proud of what I’ve done.

I still left something behind and that’s all I ever really wanted.